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What to Write in a Sympathy Card
Although we’ve come a long way in our attitudes toward talking about death and dying, many folks are intimidated when it comes to expressing condolences to friends or relatives who are grieving the death of a loved one. Part of that hesitation may come from wanting to say just the right thing to comfort and console; the other part often comes from fear of saying the wrong thing.
If you’re struggling with how to express your sympathy, you may be tempted to send flowers, a sympathy gift basket, or even a memorial gift rather than try to come up with words that will convey what’s in your heart. While a gesture of kindness is certainly appropriate, nothing can take the place of the emotional support your friend will feel when you put your thoughts and feelings in writing.
Consider your relationship with the deceased and the grieving when you decide what to write in a condolence card. Sometimes it’s best to keep messages accompanying a sympathy gift short and sweet.
- An acknowledgement of the death. “I was shocked and saddened to learn of John’s death.”
- A simple statement of sympathy. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- A statement of your friendship and feelings. “Bob will be deeply missed, and our entire workplace is saddened to hear of his passing. Our most sincere condolences to you and your family.”
Things to Write in a Sympathy Card
People who are grieving often talk about the feelings of love and warmth that come over them when they read and reread the personal sympathy cards and notes sent by those who care.
Before you begin to write, take a few moments to quiet your mind. Create a comfortable environment for yourself – some people like to light candles or play soft music in the background when they write.
Sympathy message can be as short or as long as you choose, as long as it is sincere. As you talk about your thoughts and feelings, try to express your emotions and be clear with any support you’re offering. If you have a close relationship with the grieving individual, consider including a personalized piece of memorial jewelry with your sympathy card.
- A special anecdote or memory about the deceased. Why was the deceased special to you? What qualities will you always remember when you think of the deceased? Talk about the times you shared together and how much you treasure those memories.
- An offer of help and support. Offer your assistance and be specific. Try something like this: “I’d like to help out with the kids, and I have some free time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’ll give you a call next week to see how I can help.” Then do it.
- Highlight your favorite characteristics and traits of the deceased if you were close and share how they impacted your life.
- If you aren’t in a position to offer help, you can always make a promise for future plans. “I’ll be dropping off home-cooked meals and checking in on you, please don’t hesitate to reach out for anything.”
What Not To Write in a Sympathy Card
As you write your sympathy card, stay focused on your bereaved friend, their grief, and how you can help. Try to avoid:
- Talking about the circumstances surrounding the death. There may be a time to talk about those things, but this isn’t it. Wait for a cue from your bereaved friend.
- Making assumptions. Although you mean well when you say, “I know just how you feel,” you can’t possibly know how another person feels, and stating an assumption that you do can spark resentment.
- Using words like “must” or “should.” What you intend to be friendly advice can sound judgmental and may lead your friend to feel resentful or guilty.
- Don’t bring up any bad memories or share negative thoughts.
- There is a time and place for light-hearted comments or jokes but not in a sympathy card.
- If you’re unsure what the grieving know or don’t know, don’t bring up any secrets, details, or tales of the past that the deceased may not have shared.
What to Write in a Sympathy Card For a Friend
Writing and sending a sympathy card to a friend is a kind and thoughtful gesture, and it will take only a few moments of your time. Your friend will be grieving for a long time, however, and may continue to need your love and support.
- If you’re close friends and you have the time, offer your help and support in completing household tasks, childcare, or outdoor maintenance.
- Make suggestions for a date for coffee or dinner. Let your friend know you are there if they need to talk or grieve.
- If you did not know the deceased, simply express your condolences and acknowledge that you are there for them.
- If your relationship with your friend is not that close, keep messages simple. Regardless, they will know you kept them in your thoughts during their hardship.
It can be difficult to properly express your emotions and messages to someone who is grieving. Knowing what things to write in a sympathy card can be easier than speaking your feelings. Consider taking notes and writing a rough draft before writing your finalized version on a card. Looking to add something more to your gift other than a sympathy card? Consider what flowers are appropriate for funerals or ideas for sympathy gift baskets to express your condolences.
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