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Is it Disrespectful to Not Go to a Funeral?
The decision of whether to attend a funeral can often be complex. Funerals are emotional events and if there is family conflict, estranged relationships, or other reasons that can make the occasion uncomfortable, then the better personal choice may be to not attend.
Funerals are a way for friends and family to say their goodbyes, reminisce, or grieve, and ultimately find closure. Choosing whether to attend is at the discretion of each individual, family member. Whatever you choose, know that it isn’t disrespectful to not go to a funeral for personal reasons.
Reasons to Not go to a Funeral
There are many reasons why you may choose not to go to a funeral service and various ways to express your reasoning for not attending. Here are some excusable explanations why you may choose to pay your respects without attending in person.
Health
Health issues that make it difficult to travel or put others at risk can be one reason why people choose to stay home, especially during a pandemic when news of super-spreader events like funerals have made headlines. Your health and wellness are top priorities, so if you feel uneasy or unsure about what effects attending someone’s funeral will have on you, simply express your condolences and reason to the deceased’s family. Even if you have the simple flu or a sprained ankle that can hinder your movement, any health issue is a cause for you to put your comfort and safety first.
Distance
If a wake or funeral is across the country, or even if it’s a few hours away and travel would be difficult, the trip itself can be a reason to not go to a funeral. If you have children, would need to take time off work, or if the cost of traveling to the funeral location is expensive; these are all valid causes to skip the trip. An out-of-state journey can add up quickly when you consider the cost of a flight (or gas), a rental car, accommodation, food, and a funeral gift. With recent changes in how funerals are conducted due to Covid-19, there may be an option to attend virtually, in which case, you should still be able to participate and pay your respect.
Finances
Whether it’s the cost of the travel or a gift for the family of the deceased, don’t feel pressured to spend money you don’t have. Funerals typically occur shortly after the time of death, and a sudden expense isn’t something everyone has budgeted for. If your whole family is considering attending and the trip and expenses are going to cost upwards of $500 or more, this can be simply unaffordable for some.
Complex Relationships
Family can often be composed of intricately woven relationships and not all positive ones. If you’ve had a tumultuous relationship with your parents or family members, it may be better to not attend. If you’re an ex-spouse or partner of the deceased and won’t be welcomed by their current family, that might also be a reason to not go to the funeral. Tense relations can make attending a funeral uncomfortable, but you can avoid any discomfort by saying goodbye on your own terms instead of attending the service.
What to Say When You Can’t Attend a Funeral
Even if you have reasons not to go to a funeral, the decision can be difficult, and you may feel guilty for being absent at the time. Here are a few things you can say to share your remorse while respectfully declining attendance:
“I feel awful that I won’t be able to attend the memorial service or funeral. I miss (insert name) dearly but circumstances just won’t allow me to be there. I’d like to send you (dinner, a gift card, etc) to help during this time.”
“I hope you can accept my apology for not being able to attend the funeral. I wish I could be there to support you but know that I’m here if you want to talk.”
“With the baby/children/work right now we can’t afford to come to the funeral. I’d love to have groceries delivered to you to help you through this week.”
“I think the best decision would be for me to not attend the funeral. Know that I’m here for you anytime and please reach out if you need anything at all.”
If you want to make your reason more excusable, there are a few actions you can take.
Send a gift and condolences
Express your regret for not attending and send a heartfelt gift to the family of the deceased. There are a number of ways to show your support to the grieving – send flowers, a card and photos you may have of the deceased, a donation to their chosen charity, a memorial gift, or food.
Visit their final resting place
If you’re feeling guilty about not attending a funeral of a close friend or family member, consider visiting their burial spot or memorial on your own time. This may give you more time to process your grief and a better opportunity for closure. If the deceased was cremated and there isn’t a location for you to visit, you can have your own private memorial with old photos of the departed. You can also have a customized plaque, memorial, or piece of jewelry made to keep your loved one close.
It’s not a question of whether it is disrespectful to not go to a funeral – it all depends on a variety of factors and is a personal decision that considers your best interests and situation.
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